The Tories have no leader – it’s a dangerous kind of lull;
Front runner’s David Davis, an honest man, but dull.
And then a smooth outsider slides up along the rails
‘Cos Cameron’s come to save the day; Bullingdon never fails.
He’s young and he’s articulate. OK, he’s still a toff
But you can tell he’s passionate - he takes his jacket off.
He prowls the stage without a note, he pulls out all the stops
The party needs a PR man with a taste for photo-ops.
Gay marriage, hugging huskies, he’s definitely green
This is the nicest Tory the press have ever seen.
His footwork’s light and nimble, he’s prepared to change his mind
Austerity is all the rage, the green crap’s left behind.
But now, here comes the big one. Europe. In or out?
He’s going to grasp the nettle, he’s not a trace of doubt.
A simple vote will lance the boil and put all minds at rest
George Osborne says it’s crazy but Cameron knows best.
It’s not a risky gamble, it’s not a dangerous bet;
He’s run a ton of close campaigns and never lost one yet.
Soubry, Morgan, Greening say “It’s negative. All men.”
“Calm down, dears. I know how this goes, we’ll all be friends again.”
With Gove and Johnson peddling lies he holds their critics back
“When all this fuss is over, we’ll need our colleagues back.”
He’d never fully realised how mean the press could be
But as this bitter war unfolds he almost starts to see
The can of worms he’s opened. But still he is the man.
Etonians never lose their cool. “That didn’t go to plan.”
Precisely what the future holds he doesn’t care a bit
But no way will he stay around “to clear up all this shit.”
The good folk of Dakota pay seven bucks a head
To hear about the vote he called, the government he led.
Who knows if it makes sense to them, how much they understand –
From Downing Street to a shed that costs well over twenty grand.
He’s scribbling in the garden, the memoir’s on its way;
When news is thin the press drop in to hear what he will say.
“Not a disaster”, he proclaims, “there’s no need to get fraught.
It’s not ideal, but it turned out less badly than we thought.”
Is that what Mrs May says as she tries to sort this mess?
What Tories will sign up to is anybody’s guess.
As the shambling beast of Brexit comes near the final hour
His friends inform reporters that he misses being in power.
“Bored shitless” goes the rumour, though anyone can see
Shitless is something Cameron could never ever be.
He’s cooked our goose, this nation is sure to come a cropper;
We are the pig he shafted, he’s screwed us good and proper.