Sundays. Who wants mainstream news?
The world is gagging for The Screws.
Forget the economic gloom
You need to know who’s screwing whom.

Remember Charlotte? What a voice.
For Murdoch’s wedding she’s the choice.
How will he pay? You’d never guess:
A hundred grand – or decent press.
She’d pick the cash, but Charlotte’s told
Murdoch’s approval’s solid gold.
Later, she’ll wish she’d had the cheques.
Her dad’s involved in three way sex,
Repeated orgies, with cocaine,
Enough to drive his wife insane.
We wrote how Charlotte’s mother cried
And then attempted suicide.
Fast forward. Litigation’s due.
And Charlotte’s mad, she plans to sue
Until we say: “Now here’s a thought.
D’you want to see your Mum in court?”

Clive Goodman’s royal column spills
The inside dirt on Harry’n Wills.
Just how did he get hold of that?
Buckingham Palace smells a rat.
It’s not a case to please the Met
Who’d much prefer a terror threat.
Still, hack the princes? Who would dare?
A Screws researcher, Glenn Mulcaire.
There’s reams of notes in Mulcaire’s flat
And that, you might suppose, is that.
But powers that be aren’t what you’d think
And even policemen like a drink.

Just as machinery needs grease
So police need press, and press need police.
They look at porn, they have affairs.
In fact, your average copper scares
Just like the rest. That’s why we dine
the senior ranks, feed them a line
they need to take. Shit hits the fan.
Surprise, surprise, they choose our man
to investigate. We have a laugh.
He clears our name. Then joins the staff.

What killed us was the Dowler case.
You’re in a very nasty place
The day a dead girl’s parents know
You hacked her phone. It’s time to go.
They closed the paper. Now it seems
The hacking’s over. In your dreams.

I’ll leave you with the hacker’s prayer
A masterpiece by Glenn Mulcaire.
The man who hacked a thousand phones
Knew that the press would pick his bones
But as the hacks besieged his door
He’s pleading: “Guys, I know the score."
You’re sceptical, but strike me dead
These were the words that Mulcaire said.
“I’m guilty, and I should atone.
But leave my wife and kids alone.
It’s not their fault. It’s down to me
So please, respect their privacy.”